Questions or Comments for Birth Mothers to Never Ask Adoptive Parents

Adoption can be a complicated world to navigate – especially when it comes to knowing in advance what kinds of questions are appropriate to ask adoptive parents. Asking them questions is the best way to get to know them better, and Adoption Choices of Missouri is here to help you to know what kinds of questions or comments to never ask adoptive parents. 

Questions or Comments to Never Ask Adoptive Parents

1. You’re such an amazing person!

Anyone who says this is trying to be nice, which is understandable. Complimenting your child’s potential adoptive parents is a thoughtful gesture and a kind to do. Unfortunately, this statement can also come across as awkward. What this statement unintentionally implies is that the potential adoptive parents are some kind of superhero or saint for choosing the adoption process.

2. Will you tell my child that they’re adopted?

This is never a good question to ask an adoptive parent, as it makes the assumption there’s shame in bringing up the topic. However, as the birth mother, you know that this isn’t true. Depending on the type of adoption you choose and the agreement you make with your child’s adoptive parents, you will want them to be comfortable and freely discuss adoption with your son or daughter. Adoption is not a taboo subject that should be swept under the rug and is not supposed to be a secret that they keep for years and years. Adoptive parents should love celebrating the day that their child was adopted and let him or her know that they can talk about their adoption story anytime they want. In fact, it’s best when the adoptive parents start using the word “adoption” early on so that they all become comfortable using it in everyday language. 

3. Why couldn’t you have your own kids?

As a birth mother, you know that having a child is the most beautiful thing in the world and brings great joy. There are some people who can’t have children because of infertility and it’s always a heavy subject to talk about. Using the phrase “your own kids” implies that your child won’t become their own and the adoptive parents will not appreciate the implication. It is important to understand that this is an insensitive question. 

4. Will, your child(ren) treat my child as their own sibling?

The way that this question is asked can imply that there is a gap or separation between the biological children and your child. The fact is that it doesn’t matter if the other children are biological or not — they’re still part of the family. It’s also important to understand that all adoptive families will go through an adjustment period after bringing home your child, but that doesn’t change anything either. Your child belongs to their family. 

5. You’re totally going to get pregnant now!

This is completely insensitive of you to say something like this because you are approaching the heavy subject of infertility. The adoptive parent(s) may feel inadequate when they hear this and cause undue pain. Not only that, but you are also implying that adoption is a second choice and not as good as having children naturally. 

Positive Statements/Questions to Use Instead

Adoption Choices of Missouri is here to help you learn to ask the proper questions. On the flip side, here are some positive questions to get to the adoptive parents better:

1. Is your family close?

This is a good question to ask. The adoptive parents may or may not already have biological children; but, even so, they will be open to discussing their close relationships. Families who are close are always loving and patient with each other, despite the times that there are arguments about most anything. Close relationships are visible and create good and beautiful memories.

2. Do you have any pets?

Pets are always a great conversation starter. People take great pride in their pets. This is an especially good question to ask if you would like your child to be raised with pets. Ask how many they have and what kind — cats, dogs, fish, rabbits, etc. For instance, if the adoptive parents have a dog, ask about the breed and how friendly it is around kids. Share your own memories if you had a favorite pet from your childhood. Pet stories are a good ice breaker.

3. What are some of your favorite family traditions?

This is an absolutely wonderful question! Traditions are always a great topic of conversation because it focuses on the togetherness of the family and you can learn so much about a family’s quirks. If the adoptive parents are from another racial or cultural background, this question can serve as an opportunity to learn about their history and origin and find out about their traditions. Traditions serve as a gateway to forming solid relationships 

4. What types of activities and interests are you excited to share with my child?

This is a good question. People love activities! It will get the adoptive parents talking about what they like to do for fun. They might even want to demonstrate some of their activities for you and play a game or two with you so that you know what they like to play. If they like baking or cooking, you can ask about some of their favorite foods. If you share a common interest in playing musical instruments, one great activity to do together as you are getting to know each other better is to have a small jam session.

What You Should and Shouldn’t Ask Adoptive Parents

Adoption Choices of Missouri is here to help you understand what kinds of questions are okay to ask. Getting to know adoptive parents is always scary, but it’s going to be okay. Adoption Choices of Missouri serves birth parents statewide and beyond, please call us or text us to learn more! Call us toll-free at 877-903-4488 or, in Missouri call or text us at 1-816-527-9800

Meet the Author: Sofia Becker is currently a student at Liberty University and is majoring in a Bachelor of Science in History with a double minor in Biblical Studies and writing. She is currently working on a Robin Hood retelling and an entire epic fantasy world in the making. In her spare time, she loves watching The Office and Disney movies.

Through her blogs and her passion for helping and encouraging others, she hopes to make a difference in someone’s life. She also looks forward to becoming a better writer and editor. To learn more about Sofia, be sure to check out her blog and Instagram.