Birth Mother Blog

8 Questions to Never Ask Birth Mothers Before or After Adoption 

8 Questions to Never Ask Birth Mothers Before or After Adoption 

Being a birth mother can be a hard but rewarding decision that will change your life forever. Choosing adoption will give your child the life he or she deserves. Through adoption, there will always be questions you will have to answer, whether from friends and family, the adoptive parents, or — eventually — your child.

At the same time, though, there are questions that you should never be asked, and that you should never feel obligated to answer. Adoption Choices of Missouri has compiled a list of the top eight questions to never ask birth mothers before and after adoption through answers we’ve received from birth mothers themselves.   

  1. Why didn’t you keep your baby? 

Giving your baby up for adoption is a difficult life-changing decision that is not decided lightly. As a young birth mother, my circumstances did not allow me to be able to care for my child financially, so I made the selfless decision to choose adoption. This decision was hard but the right choice to give my child a better life. 

  1. How did the birth father react to adoption?  

He said any decision that I made he would go along with. Although he didn’t fully agree with my decision, he stood by it as we had been in a short term relationship and this was an unplanned pregnancy. It was not the right time in our lives to be parents. We choose the option of an open adoption to 

However, your child’s birth father may be different. He may be  just as emotionally invested as you  and help support in the adoption process. Or, he could be the exact opposite. Maybe he’s not even in the picture. All birth fathers are unique and will react differently.

  1. Do you regret giving your baby up for adoption?

Absolutely not! Adoption may come with feelings of grief, but the selfless decision that you have made as a birth mother to give your child a better life will provide you some comfort in your decision. Placing my baby up for adoption through the guidance and understanding of Adoption Choices of Missouri was both comforting and encouraging.  They provided me with a Birth Parent Counselor who assisted me in every part of the adoption process. From helping me create my adoption plan to choosing my child’s adoptive family to the birth of my child. 

Because of my circumstances, the adoption agency was able to help me with financial assistance to cover my medical bills, housing costs, and other court-approved birth mother expenses. Having my caseworker and the other staff by my side every step of the way was a game changer.   

  1. Are you afraid your child will resent you? 

No! Because I have an open adoption agreement with my child’s adoptive parents, I know that they have a plan to tell him or her about me and how they came to be part of the adoptive parents’ family. My child will understand how much I loved them, and how difficult it was for me to make the decision I did. Someday, I will get to share my side of the story with them as well.

So, no, I’m not afraid my child will resent me. They may need time to process, and that’s ok. But, through open adoption, I will get to share precious moments in my child’s life — birthdays and holidays — that will allow them to see how much I love them, and that they have two sets of parents who cherish them. It will help them understand and feel  less abandoned.

  1. Does your family support your decision? 

Yes. Although they didn’t fully understand, my family supported my decision to place my baby up for adoption. 

Having family support is important when you choose to move forward with adoption. It’s very affirming and comforting knowing that you have a strong support system to get you through both the good times and bad. If you do not have the support of your family and friends, all hope is not lost. The adoption professionals at Adoption Choices of Missouri will take this role and support you however they can. By choosing adoption, you will receive the respect, compassion and understanding that you and your baby deserve. You will never feel overwhelmed or alone with having the constant support with their team and available resources. 

  1. Why choose adoption if you have other children? 

Choosing adoption when you have other children is not an easy decision. In some ways, it makes you feel like you failed as a parent — whether that be due to your circumstances or something else. With me, it was trying to raise a third child as a single parent, at 27 years of age. That, and being in a new relationship, I did not feel emotionally, mentally, physically or financially able to provide my child with the love, care and support I knew they deserved.

I wanted them to have the best life possible, even if that meant that wasn’t with me. So, I searched for local adoption centers near me and Adoption Choices of Missouri showed up. After speaking with them on the phone and discussing my options, I was impressed with the quality of care they provided and knew my child would be in good hands.

  1. Do you want a relationship with your child? 

Yes, of course! Gaining a long-lasting relationship with my child will welcome openness and understanding for both of us. I look forward to watching them grow and getting to know them. My goal is to show them how loved and cherished they are, and that I’m here for them as much as they want me to be. 

  1. Do people in your life know you gave your baby up for adoption? 

Some members of my immediate family know, and my close friend. I have decided not to tell extended family members or other friends for the time being, as this decision is very personal. At this point in my life, I am not mentally ready for the questions. Maybe this will change, but that’s not something I’m thinking about right now. The trusted and selected few who know are my support system, and that’s perfect for me right now.

Questions to Never Ask Birth Mothers

If you, as a birth mother, are ever presented with the above questions — or ones similar — know that you have the right to tell whoever is asking that you are uncomfortable answering or that it’s none of their business. Especially if it’s someone you don’t know. Oftentimes, these types of questions come from a place of best intentions, but the wording comes out wrong.

But the bottom line remains the same. Your decision to place your baby for adoption is entirely yours, and you only have to reveal as much information as you choose. No one can make you do anything different, and you shouldn’t feel like you have to answer every question that’s asked of you.

Adoption Choices of Missouri serves birth parents statewide and beyond, please call us or text us to learn more! Call us toll free at 877-903-4488 or, in Missouri call or text us at 1-816-527-9800

Meet the Author: Samara Wiley is a published author of poetry, essays, and an environmental children’s storybook called, Waiting for the Water Fairy. She graduated from Benedictine University in 2018 with a double Bachelor of Arts in English Literature and French.She has been published in three small poetry anthologies one was called Talented.

Her other writing accomplishments include: winning a high school poetry competition and $2500 for her high school, having two out of her five novels be considered for publication and writing movie critic reviews for her university’s newsletter. 

Although she has Cerebral Palsy and has had a turbulent childhood, Samara puts these small specs of herself into her writing to personally connect with her audience. She prides herself on pushing the boundaries in her writing and in her personal life with everything she does. Samara writes with her heart and a voice of compassion, and loves to pull from her top passions in life.

She currently lives in Yorkville, Illinois with her mom and two sisters.

Blog

Navigating the Adoption Triad: You, Your Baby and the Adoptive Family

Navigating the Adoption TriadYou, Your Baby and the Adoptive Family

Once you make the brave decision to place your baby for adoption, you become part of the adoption triad, otherwise known as the symbol of adoption. Just as it sounds, this symbol is a triangle that represents the three sets of interconnected relationships between you, your child and the adoptive family. As the birth mother, you have the power to make choices that affect how close these relationships are.

You will always be uniquely connected to your baby and the adoptive family. At Adoption Choices of Missouri, we are here to help you create an adoption plan that meets your needs and preferences for closeness and privacy within the adoption triad during the adoption process and post-placement.  

The Three Points of the Adoption Triad
  • The Pivotal Point: You

You’re unexpectedly pregnant and not ready, willing or able to raise a child. So you summon your strength and pursue adoption. By embarking on your adoption journey, you are navigating the adoption triad and connecting your baby with an adoptive family.

  • The Top Point: Your Baby 

Your baby is the top point of the triangle, loved by both you and the adoptive family. Because of your selfless decision made out of love, your baby will be nurtured and raised in a home by supportive adoptive parents. Your child will have access to opportunities, stability and safety. 

  • Completing the Triad: The Adoptive Family

The adoptive parents are your child’s legal parents. They will love, protect and care for your child. During the matching process, you will be able to view a number of adoptive parent profiles and select the one who you think would make the best fit for your child. Depending on your adoption agreement with them, you can also have the opportunity to get to know them and remain in your child’s life post adoption. 

You and the Adoptive Family

You get to choose which type of adoption you’re comfortable with. You get to decide how much you interact with the adoptive parent(s). 

  • Pre-adoption: You may envision a close relationship with the adoptive family. You might want to visit with them after you’ve matched. Your adoption caseworker can coordinate a meeting. Maybe you want the adoptive parents to accompany you to prenatal doctor’s appointments. You might want them in the delivery room with you when you give birth.

On the other hand, you may not want to be that close with the adoptive parents. Maybe you only want to speak with them over the phone. Maybe you want your caseworker to mediate all communication. You might want to keep any identifying information about yourself private. Or you might not want to have any contact at all. 

  • Post-placement: Do you want to keep in touch with the adoptive family after adoption? You may want to remain close with the adoptive parents after the adoption has been finalized, or you may prefer to have more distance. You can agree to communicate via text, email or letter, and you can determine how frequently you want to contact each other. 

Your desired level of openness with the adoptive family is a factor to consider when you’re looking at profiles of families waiting to adopt. You’ll want to know if your communication preferences pre- and post-adoption are compatible. Based on your preferences for closeness, you may want to choose an adoptive family that lives nearby or a family that lives in a different state. You want to make sure you match with a family who is on the same page about the type of relationship you’ll have with them. 

You and Your Child

You and your child will always be bonded to each other, no matter how involved you are in their life after adoption. As you develop an adoption plan, consider what type of relationship you’d like to have with your child post-placement. 

Do you want your child to know your identity, or do you prefer to keep that private? 

Do you want to receive updates about your child’s life? Do you want the adoptive parents to send photos of your child? At Adoption Choices of Missouri, adoptive parents must be willing to send a letter with pictures once a year until your child has reached adulthood, if you wish. You can also send letters and pictures of your own if you want your child to know more about you but are more comfortable doing so from a distance. 

Would you like to be more involved in your child’s life? Maybe you’d like to see your child in person once they’ve reached a certain age. Maybe you could visit on holidays or for your child’s birthday. You can talk with the adoptive family to see what sort of arrangements would work for both of you. 

A Triangle of Relationships

Sometimes, navigating the adoption triad might seem tricky or confusing. Do not be afraid to seek out support if you are sad, unsure or struggling in any way. At Adoption Choices of Missouri, our caseworkers offer guidance, support and resources to help you feel at peace as you go through the adoption process. We offer counseling services, which you can turn to before and after your baby has been placed for adoption. Additionally, we can help you find a birth mother support group so you can learn from other women who’ve gone through the adoption process and established different types of relationships with their children and their adoptive families. 

The adoption journey is a special experience that connects three groups of people. We are here to help you make sure that these relationships go as smoothly as possible according to your wishes. 

Navigating the Adoption Triad 

You, your baby and the adoptive parents are linked together. As you figure out whether an open, semi-open or closed adoption is the best type of adoption for you, it is important to think about what you’d like your adoption triad to look like both during the adoption process and after the placement. 

Adoption Choices of Missouri serves birth parents statewide and beyond, please call us or text us to learn more! Call us toll free at 877-903-4488 or, in Missouri call or text us at 1-816-527-9800

Meet the AuthorZoë Bowlus, a writing and editing enthusiast, considers herself a grammar groupie and suffers from a weakness for wordplay and working with words, whether she is reading, furiously typing away, playing Words with Friends, or filling in the Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle.  

She was adopted from Vietnam as a baby and began exploring her adoptee identity in Asian American Studies and Communication courses at UC Santa Barbara. As she combed through adoption literature for her last essay of college (she graduated with highest honors in 2020), she was inspired to use the research, editing, and writing skills she developed in college and her personal experience to create resources and share stories about adoption in a professional context. Writing for Adoption Choices, Zoë hopes to support people on their adoption journeys and to grow as an adoptee herself. 

Zoë is an aspiring cat lady who is allergic to cats. She enjoys curling up with homemade hot chocolate, kettle corn, and a good book but laments the absence of a feline reading companion. Her bedside table and bookshelves are overflowing with World War II historical fiction, Asian American and Mexico-U.S. borderlands fiction, contemporary fiction, grammar and style books, and collections of profiles. She spends an inordinate amount of time playing bridge.  

An avid NBA fan, Zoë lives in Sacramento, the primary reason anyone would root for the Kings. She holds out hope that they will make it to the playoffs during her lifetime. 

 

 

 

Birth Mother Blog

Questions or Comments for Birth Mothers to Never Ask Adoptive Parents (with positive options to ask instead) 

Questions or Comments for Birth Mothers to Never Ask Adoptive Parents (with positive options to ask instead) 

Adoption can be a complicated world to navigate – especially when it comes to knowing in advance what kinds of questions are appropriate to ask adoptive parents. Asking them questions is the best way to get to know them better, and Adoption Choices of Missouri is here to help you to know what kinds of questions or comments to never ask adoptive parents

Questions or Comments to Never Ask Adoptive Parents

  1. You’re such an amazing person!

Anyone who says this is trying to be nice, which is understandable. Complimenting your child’s potential adoptive parents is a thoughtful gesture and a kind to do. Unfortunately, this statement can also come across as awkward. What this statement unintentionally implies is that the potential adoptive parents are some kind of superhero or saint for choosing adoption.

  1. Will you tell my child that they’re adopted?

This is never a good question to ask an adoptive parent, as it makes the assumption there’s shame in bringing up the topic. However, as the birth mother, you know that this isn’t true. Depending on the type of adoption you choose and the agreement you make with your child’s adoptive parents, you will want them to be comfortable and freely discuss adoption with your son or daughter. Adoption is not a taboo subject that should be swept under the rug, and is not supposed to be a secret that they keep for years and years. Adoptive parents should love celebrating the day that their child was adopted and let him or her know that they can talk about their adoption story anytime they want. In fact, it’s best when the adoptive parents start using the word “adoption” early on, so that they all become comfortable using it in everyday language. 

  1. Why couldn’t you have your own kids?

As a birth mother, you know that having a child is the most beautiful thing in the world and brings great joy. There are some people who can’t have children because of infertility and it’s always a heavy subject to talk about. Using the phrase “your own kids” implies that your child won’t become their own and the adoptive parents will not appreciate the implication. It is important to understand that this is an insensitive question. 

  1. Will your child(ren) treat my child as their own sibling?

The way that this question is asked can imply that there is a gap or separation between the biological children and your child. The fact is that it doesn’t matter if the other children are biological or not — they’re still part of the family. It’s also important to understand that all adoptive families will go through an adjustment period after bringing home your child, but that doesn’t change anything either. Your child belongs to their family. 

  1. You’re totally going to get pregnant now!

This is completely insensitive of you to say something like this because you are approaching the heavy subject of infertility. The adoptive parent(s) may feel inadequate when they hear this and cause undo pain. Not only that, but you are also implying that adoption is a second choice and not as good as having children naturally. 

Positive Statements/Questions to Use Instead

Adoption Choices of Missouri is here to help you learn to ask the proper questions. On the flip side, here are some positive questions to get to the adoptive parents better:

  1. Is your family close?

This is a good question to ask. The adoptive parents may or may not already have biological children; but, even so, they will be open to discussing their close relationships. Families who are close are always loving and patient with each other, despite the times that there are arguments about most anything. Close relationships are visible and create good and beautiful memories.

  1. Do you have any pets?

Pets are always a great conversation starter. People take great pride in their pets. This is an especially good question to ask if you would like your child to be raised with pets. Ask how many they have and what kind — cats, dogs, fish, rabbits, etc. For instance, if the adoptive parents have a dog, ask about the breed and how friendly it is around kids. Share your own memories if you had a favorite pet from your childhood. Pet stories are a good ice breaker.

  1. What are some of your favorite family traditions?

This is an absolutely wonderful question! Traditions are always a great topic of conversation, because it focuses on the togetherness of the family and you can learn so much about a family’s quirks. If the adoptive parents are from another racial or cultural background, this question can serve as an opportunity to learn about their history and origin, and find out about their traditions. Traditions serve a gateway to forming solid relationships 

  1. What types of activities and interests are you excited to share with my child?

This is a good question. People love activities! It will get the adoptive parents talking about what they like to do for fun. They might even want to demonstrate some of their activities for you and play a game or two with you, so that you know what they like to play. If they like baking or cooking, you can ask about some of their favorite foods. If you share a common interest of playing musical instruments, one great activity to do together as you are getting to know each other better is to have a small jam session.

What You Should and Shouldn’t Ask Adoptive Parents

Adoption Choices of Missouri is here to help you understand what kinds of questions are okay to ask. Getting to know adoptive parents is always scary, but it’s going to be okay. Adoption Choices of Missouri serves birth parents statewide and beyond, please call us or text us to learn more! Call us toll free at 877-903-4488 or, in Missouri call or text us at 1-816-527-9800

Meet the AuthorSofia Becker is currently a student at Liberty University and is majoring in a Bachelor of Science in History with a double minor in Biblical Studies and writing. She is currently working on a Robin Hood retelling and an entire epic fantasy world in the making. In her spare time, she loves watching The Office and Disney movies.

Through her blogs, and her passion for helping and encouraging others, she hopes to make a difference in someone’s life. She also looks forward to becoming a better writer and editor. To learn more about Sofia, be sure to check out her blog and Instagram.

 

Blog

Important Questions to Ask before Placing Your Baby for Adoption: For Birth Mothers Experiencing an Unplanned Pregnancy

Important Questions to Ask before Placing Your Baby for Adoption: For Birth Mothers Experiencing an Unplanned Pregnancy

An unplanned pregnancy can bring up a lot of unexpected questions for you as an expecting birth mother, especially if you have considered all three options: parent your child, terminate your pregnancy, or choose adoption. If you are still weighing the pros and cons, placing your baby for adoption,, here are some important questions to ask before placing your baby for adoption.

Where do I begin?  

That’s a great question! You’ll want to do careful research and make sure that you understand all that adoption involves. It is not a decision to be taken lightly. However, you don’t need to go through the adoption journey alone. Adoption Choices of Missouri is here to help! When you contact our agency, we will connect you with one of our Birth Parent Counselors, who will discuss all your options in detail and help you make the best decision for you.

If you determine that adoption is the right choice for you and your baby, your adoption caseworker will answer all your questions, address your concerns and help you develop an adoption plan — all the while making sure you receive the respect and care that you deserve.

What does adoption cost? 

Your adoption journey will not cost you anything! Placing your baby for adoption is free of charge, as is filling out an application and speaking to our counselors and caseworkers. Also, depending on your situation, Adoption Choices of Missouri can offer financial assistance with medical bills, legal services, temporary housing, and court-approved living expenses.

How will I know if the adoptive parents are safe?

Our facility pre-screens our adoption families and makes sure that they have taken the right steps to be considered. They are also required to complete a thorough home study, along with a background check that assesses any risk of criminal activity or child abuse. All of our waiting adoptive parents are well-vetted and ready to grow their family through adoption. As you and your baby’s health and safety are our top priority, we would never place your child in a family who was not going to give him or her their best chance at life.

To further ensure that your child’s adoptive parents are the best fit for both of you, you will get to look over profile photo books and select a couple or individual yourself. Your adoption caseworker will walk through this process with you, and help you narrow down any criteria you have for your child and the life you’d like them to live. So, whether you envision him or her growing up in the city, suburbs or country, your caseworker will do their best to present profiles that fit within the family dynamic and lifestyle that you want for your child.

Can I stay in contact with my child after the adoption process?

This largely depends on what level of openness you choose in your adoption plan. There are three options: open, semi-open, and closed. Your adoption caseworker can explain the pros and cons of each, and help you determine the best decision for you.

If you choose either a semi-open or an open adoption plan, then yes — you will be able to have contact with your child and their adoptive parents after the adoption has been finalized. In a semi-open adoption, this can be completed through an online, confidential and secure portal called ChildConnect. This will allow you and the adoptive parents to exchange letters, updates, and photos with each other.

With open adoption, you can maintain contact through virtual means such as FaceTime, ZOOM, phone, email, or text. Or, if the adoptive parents agree to it, and your child is comfortable with it as well, you may be able to visit in person. Visiting your child in person and their adoptive family establishes a strong and healthy relationship with them and guarantees that your adoption journey will run more smoothly.

Will my child’s adoptive family love him or her like their biological child?

Yes! Without a doubt! When hopeful adoptive parents struggle to build their family biologically,  they choose to open their hearts to a child who they can love as their own. Even if your child may have physical, emotional, or mental issues growing up, their adoptive parents will give them all the love, care, and support they have to offer. 

To the soon-to-be adoptive parents, they are finally getting the family they’ve hoped, dreamed and prayed for. By selecting them to raise your child, you are helping them fulfill this.  Your child’s adoptive parents will be grateful to you for giving them the gift of parenthood. 

What if my child asks about me later?

When you place your child for adoption, you’ll need to be prepared to answer your child’s questions about their adoption when they are older. To help them understand your reasons and motivations for doing so. Your child may need some time to process the information you give, and that’s completely natural! 

Many of the questions your child asks may bring up a lot of emotions and memories, which you’ll also need to prepare for as best as you can. However, being honest with your child — no matter how painful their questions –will help them better understand why you chose adoption, and deepen their trust in you. 

Important Questions to Ask before Placing Your Baby for Adoption

Adoption is a complex and emotional decision, but it is also one of the most rewarding ones you can make. If you are experiencing an unplanned pregnancy and are thinking about placing your baby for adoption, know that you are not alone. We are here to support you every step of the way.

Remember — you are doing this because you love your child and want the best for them. Also, no matter what — you will always be their birth mother.

Adoption Choices of Missouri serves birth parents statewide and beyond, please call us or text us to learn more! Call us toll free at 877-903-4488 or, in Missouri call or text us at 1-816-527-9800

Meet the Author: Samara Wiley is a published author of poetry, essays, and an environmental children’s storybook called, Waiting for the Water Fairy. She graduated from Benedictine University in 2018 with a double Bachelor of Arts in English Literature and French.She has been published in three small poetry anthologies one was called Talented.

Her other writing accomplishments include: winning a high school poetry competition and $2500 for her high school, having two out of her five novels be considered for publication and writing movie critic reviews for her university’s newsletter. 

Although she has Cerebral Palsy and has had a turbulent childhood, Samara puts these small specs of herself into her writing to personally connect with her audience. She prides herself on pushing the boundaries in her writing and in her personal life with everything she does. Samara writes with her heart and a voice of compassion, and loves to pull from her top passions in life.

She currently lives in Yorkville, Illinois with her mom and two sisters.

Blog

Qualities to Look for in Adoptive Parents: Figuring Out What Matters to You

Qualities to Look for in Adoptive Parents: Figuring Out What Matters to You

You’re unexpectedly pregnant and have made the courageous decision to choose adoption. Now it’s time to make another choice: the adoptive family. 

You may have a clear picture of the type of adoptive family you’re looking for. Maybe you have a couple of characteristics in mind that are important to you. Or, you might have no clue where to start. Wherever you are in the process mentally and emotionally, at Adoption Choices of Missouri, we are here to help you as you search for the family that will adopt your baby. 

Here is  an overview of the matching process and a breakdown of qualities to look for in adoptive parents:

Finding a match

First, your adoption caseworker will send you profiles of adoptive parents waiting to adopt. Rest assured that adoptive parents at Adoption Choices of Missouri must go through background checks, interviews and home studies. These families are qualified and ready to welcome your baby into their homes and hearts.

The provided profiles include photos and information that will allow you to get to know the adoptive parents and figure out if they are a good fit for you. Through “Dear Birth Mother” letters and detailed descriptions, the waiting families share their stories and adoption dreams. You will learn about their lifestyle, education and employment, interests, beliefs and values, hometowns and so on. You will read about their reasons for choosing adoption and learn about the love, life and opportunities they would give your child. 

As you browse the profiles of hopeful adoptive parents, you can mull over your options and weigh which qualities matter most to you. Then you will select your child’s adoptive family. After you’ve matched, your caseworker will coordinate communication. You and the adoptive parents will determine how you want to keep in touch during your pregnancy and post placement. 

How will you know which family is the right family for you? Remember that this decision is about what matters to you. What type of parent do you want to raise your baby? What kind of life do you envision for your child? You may wish for your child’s life to be similar to yours in ways, or you may imagine a life for them that is totally different. What are your hopes for your baby? For inspiration, here are some ideas and questions to consider as you decide on an adoptive family:

Family type and size

  • Adoptive Parent(s): Do you want your child to grow up in a two-parent household? Is it important that your child’s parents are married? How long have they been in a relationship? Do you want an LGBTQ family to adopt your baby? How do you feel about a single parent raising your child? 
  • Other children: Do you want your child to be an only child? Or do you want your child to grow up with siblings? How many siblings? Does the family already have children? Does it matter to you if the family’s other children are biological or adopted? Does the family have plans to grow their family? Do you want the family to have had previous experience with adoption? 
  • Extended family: Are the adoptive parents close with their parents and siblings? Do you want your child to have grandparents who are actively involved in their life? Is a big extended family of aunts and uncles and cousins important to you? Would you like for the adoptive family to live near their relatives?
  • Pets: Do you want your child to grow up in a family with a dog or cat or other pet?

Age

Do you have a preference for adoptive parents who are about the same age as you?  A little older? A little younger? 

Education and employment

You may want to consider the adoptive parents’ education level. Does it matter to you if they graduated from college or have an advanced degree? 

What do the adoptive family members do for a living? Will they be able to provide financial stability for your child and what opportunities will they be able to give your child? How much do they work? Do they work from home? Would you prefer for your child to be raised by at least one stay-at-home parent? 

Race, ethnicity, and culture

Do you want the adoptive parents to share the same race and/or ethnicity as your child? Or are you open to a transracial adoption? Would you like the adoptive family to be bilingual? 

Views, values, and beliefs

Is it important to you that the adoptive family has values and worldviews that are similar to yours? Do you want your child to grow up in a faith-based household?  

Hometown and home 

Where does the adoptive family live? Depending on the level of openness you prefer and your comfort level, you may or may not want the adoptive parents to live in the same town or state. 

Is their home in a rural area or do they live in the city? Do they live by the ocean or the mountains? Do they live in a neighborhood with other families with young children? Are there good schools in their district? Are there nearby parks or museums? 

What is their home like? Do they live in a big house, a condo or an apartment? Do they have a backyard?

Hobbies, interests and social life

What does the adoptive family do for fun? Do they spend a lot of time outdoors? Do they play sports? Do they have family game nights? How do they celebrate birthdays and holidays? Do they travel? Do they love going to the movies? Reading? What do they like to do with their friends? 

Parenting philosophy

What is their parenting style? What values will they teach your child? How will they express their love and support? What traits make them a great parent? If they already have children, what has their parenting experience been like? 

Why are they choosing to adopt? What sort of relationship do they envision with you, the birth mother? 

Personality

How do they describe themselves? What is their character like? 

Qualities to look for in adoptive parents

These are just a few ideas and questions to think about as you look through adoptive family profiles. Some qualities may be really important to you; others may not matter so much. There are no right answers or opinions. Trust and respect your instincts. Do you feel like you connect with this adoptive family? Do you feel confident that they will provide your child with a loving and fulfilling life? As you figure out which qualities to look for in adoptive parents, you are one step closer to your adoption success story.

Adoption Choices of Missouri serves birth parents statewide and beyond, please call us or text us to learn more! Call us toll free at 877-903-4488 or, in Missouri call or text us at 1-816-527-9800

Meet the AuthorZoë Bowlus, a writing and editing enthusiast, considers herself a grammar groupie and suffers from a weakness for wordplay and working with words, whether she is reading, furiously typing away, playing Words with Friends, or filling in the Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle.  

She was adopted from Vietnam as a baby and began exploring her adoptee identity in Asian American Studies and Communication courses at UC Santa Barbara. As she combed through adoption literature for her last essay of college (she graduated with highest honors in 2020), she was inspired to use the research, editing, and writing skills she developed in college and her personal experience to create resources and share stories about adoption in a professional context. Writing for Adoption Choices, Zoë hopes to support people on their adoption journeys and to grow as an adoptee herself. 

Zoë is an aspiring cat lady who is allergic to cats. She enjoys curling up with homemade hot chocolate, kettle corn, and a good book but laments the absence of a feline reading companion. Her bedside table and bookshelves are overflowing with World War II historical fiction, Asian American and Mexico-U.S. borderlands fiction, contemporary fiction, grammar and style books, and collections of profiles. She spends an inordinate amount of time playing bridge.  

An avid NBA fan, Zoë lives in Sacramento, the primary reason anyone would root for the Kings. She holds out hope that they will make it to the playoffs during her lifetime. 

Adoptive Family Birth Father Birth Mother Blog

What is Adoption?

What is Adoption?

As a birth mother who is looking into adoption, you might have a lot of questions. After all, adoption is a huge world to navigate, and placing your baby for adoption a big decision. You might not know where to look at first, but we at Adoption Choices of Missouri would love to help you understand what is adoption?

Defining Adoption

Adoption needs to be defined better. In Webster’s dictionary, adopt means “to take by choice into a relationship.” Adoption is, by choice, a voluntary action for many adoptive parents. That is the easiest definition that we can go by. For everyone involved in the adoption process, the word itself means different things. Ranging from becoming the happiest family ever to having the best childhood ever, adoption changes everyone’s life in a different way. 

“Adoption” can also mean different things to people. To someone who has had a closed adoption or anything related to that, it might have negative connotations to them depending on their experience. But to the ones who are and have been open about their adoptions, they have learned to embrace their own identity for themselves and not be ashamed; they are able to talk about the immeasurable love that their birth mothers had for them in giving them their best chance at having a beautiful childhood and good life. 

It is also important to understand that “adoptive” means “made or acquired by adoption,” which refers to parents who have adopted a child. This term should only be used during the adoption process to help you understand the different terms. Only after the process is done should the terms be dropped.

A Brief History of Adoption

Before 1851, adoption wasn’t legal – there were no laws that actually protected the adopted children. It was always done in secret. Children of unmarried women were seen as illegitimate and were almost always put into orphanages or families who would be willing to take them in because no one wanted them and their mothers were deemed unfit to raise them on their own. There was a lot of pressure on them, and most often, the adoptions were done with the best interests of the children in mind. 

In 1851, the Adoption of Children Act was enacted. This Act was put in place to make adoptions legal and safe for children. In the century that followed, organizations started popping up that strived to help adopted children in any way possible. In the 1970s, adoptions reached a peak and most of them were done by agencies. Adoption Choices of Missouri was formed in 2006 or thereabouts to help facilitate adoptions better. 

Impact of Adoption 

Adoption impacts you, the birth mother, in different ways. It’s often a hard decision to struggle with, and can be traumatic for anyone really. It’s normal to deal with a lot of emotions all at the same time – especially loss. Some people might not understand since adoption is always seen as a choice you make. You might feel guilt or shame for having given up your child and it might affect your other relationships in a negative way. 

To understand how to deal with the impact that it has on you, it is important for you to find the support that you need to help you through the transition.Adoption Choices of Missouri can help you learn to deal with the impact of adoption in a healthy way and connect you with support groups. 

What is Adoption 

Coming into the world of adoption can be a whirlwind. It helps to get an idea of what you’re looking for if you understand a bit of the history of adoption and understand the impact that Adoption might have on you. Please know that if you have any questions, Adoption Choices of Missouri is here to help you.

Adoption Choices of Missouri serves birth parents statewide and beyond, please call us or text us to learn more! Call us toll free at 877-903-4488 or, in Missouri call or text us at 1-816-527-9800

Meet the AuthorSofia Becker is currently a student at Liberty University and is majoring in a Bachelor of Science in History with a double minor in Biblical Studies and writing. She is currently working on a Robin Hood retelling and an entire epic fantasy world in the making. In her spare time, she loves watching The Office and Disney movies.

Through her blogs, and her passion for helping and encouraging others, she hopes to make a difference in someone’s life. She also looks forward to becoming a better writer and editor. To learn more about Sofia, be sure to check out her blog and Instagram.

 

Birth Mother Blog

Baby is born: Can I Still Choose Adoption? For Birth Mothers Experiencing an Unplanned Pregnancy 

Baby is born: Can I Still Choose Adoption? For Birth Mothers Experiencing an Unplanned Pregnancy 

After delivering your baby, you feel the overwhelming realization that you are not in the position to care for or give your child the life he or she deserves. You may find your circumstances just don’t fit with having a child right now, so you might wonder if adoption is available to you after birth. 

Yes it is! Adoption is still an option for you and your baby, whether you find yourself at home or in the hospital, and Adoption Choices of Missouri is here to help.

 I’m in the Hospital. My Baby is Born. Can I still Choose Adoption?

You’re in the hospital. Your baby is here. You quickly realize you are not equipped to be a parent. You want to give your baby a better life by choosing adoption. 

You ask the nurse to contact us, your local adoption center, and request to speak with a Birth Parent Counselor. In an anxious state, you explain that you’d like to place your baby for adoption. The adoption caseworker assures you that everything is going to be ok, and that you can still choose adoption after your baby has been born.

Three Types of Adoption Plans:

You can sit with this decision as there is no rush. When you have finally decided on adoption, your adoption caseworker will help you develop an adoption plan that is right for you and your baby. There are three different types you can choose from:

  • Open adoption – has the most interaction between the birth parents, adopted parents, and child. (Examples: phone calls, virtual communication or in-person visits)
  • Semi-open – has limited contact between the birth mother and adopted parents or child. (Examples: letters and sharing photos through our secure, confidental online portal, ChildConnect.) 
  • Closed adoption –  no contact information is shared between the adopted parents, birth parents or child.

Adoption after Birth

At Adoption Choices of Missouri, we are here to support and guide you through this decision in your life. Our Birth Parent Counselors will assist with every part of the adoption process, giving you the tools and the support that you and your baby need throughout the adoption process.

Yes! You can still choose adoption, whether it has been just days or a few weeks after your baby is born. You will receive help from an adoption professional and the services necessary to start your adoption plan, if you feel like you are unable to care for your child at this time in your life.

Choosing Adoption after Your Baby is Born 

Choosing adoption after you give birth is not an easy thing to go through. With the help of one of our licensed adoption counselors, you can rest easy knowing that you have the emotional support you need and deserve during this process. You are never alone!

You can ask as many questions as you have and receive non-judgmental answers that will leave you feeling better about your choice of adoption. Our agency will treat you with the kindness, respect and compassion that you deserve as a birth mother. 

Adoption Choices of Missouri serves birth parents statewide and beyond, please call us or text us to learn more! Call us toll free at 877-903-4488 or, in Missouri call or text us at 1-816-527-9800

Meet the Author: Samara Wiley is a published author of poetry, essays, and an environmental children’s storybook called, Waiting for the Water Fairy. She graduated from Benedictine University in 2018 with a double Bachelor of Arts in English Literature and French.She has been published in three small poetry anthologies one was called Talented.

Her other writing accomplishments include: winning a high school poetry competition and $2500 for her high school, having two out of her five novels be considered for publication and writing movie critic reviews for her university’s newsletter. 

Although she has Cerebral Palsy and has had a turbulent childhood, Samara puts these small specs of herself into her writing to personally connect with her audience. She prides herself on pushing the boundaries in her writing and in her personal life with everything she does. Samara writes with her heart and a voice of compassion, and loves to pull from her top passions in life.

She currently lives in Yorkville, Illinois with her mom and two sisters.

Birth Mother Blog

Pregnant Again: Can I Place a Second Baby for Adoption with the Same Agency? 

Pregnant Again: Can I Place a Second Baby for Adoption with the Same Agency? 

You’re unexpectedly pregnant. Again. And parenting still isn’t part of your plans right now. Don’t worry. You can place a second baby for adoption. You can work with the same agency to find a loving family for your baby or a different agency. 

At Adoption Choices of Missouri, we welcome all birth mothers, whether this is your first time making an adoption plan or you’re facing another unplanned pregnancy. 

Respect and Resources for Birth Mothers Adopting a Second Time

Are you feeling overwhelmed? Judged? Nervous? Ashamed? Scared? You may be experiencing a jumble of emotions about this second pregnancy. That’s totally understandable. Remember that as an expectant birth mother, you deserve respect and compassion, no matter your pregnancy circumstances. If you find yourself unexpectedly pregnant again, you’re not alone. Unplanned pregnancy is common, and several of Adoption Choices birth mother clients go through the adoption process multiple times.  

At our adoption center in Missouri, we are here to support you as you navigate your new reality. You will receive the same empathy, care and resources you did when you worked with us the first time. Your caring caseworker will help coordinate your adoption plan. You will have access to all our services, including financial assistance and legal representation. 

Finding an Adoptive Family for Your Second Baby

You can work with the same agency to place your baby for adoption. First, your caseworker will check in with the family who adopted your first child since we try to keep your children in the same adoptive family. The adoptive parent(s) may be excited to raise birth siblings. If they are able to adopt your second baby, then everything should run smoothly, especially since you already know the adoptive parents. 

Unfortunately, we can’t guarantee that the adoptive family will be able to adopt your second baby. They might not have the time or financial resources to adopt and raise another child. Or maybe they were not planning on expanding their family. Whatever the reason, if the adoptive family can’t adopt your second child, don’t worry. We will help you make an adoption plan and match you with another loving family. Since you’ve already been through the process before, you know what to expect. You will be able to choose the type of adoption you prefer and look through profiles of prospective families before selecting an adoptive family. Your caseworker will correspond with both adoptive families to try to make sure your birth children can keep in touch as they grow up. 

What this Adoption Journey will Look Like

Your adoption journey this time around might be quite similar to your first if you felt satisfied with the arrangements you chose last time. Or, it might be totally different. Since you’ve been on an adoption journey before, you may decide you want to make some changes when creating your adoption plan. You might choose to have more or less interaction with the adoptive family during your pregnancy. Maybe you want the post-adoption relationship with your child and their adoptive family to be different. If you’re placing your child with a different family, you might think about different characteristics, such as their family size, religion or hometown. 

Whether your adoption choices are exactly the same or totally different, you will still be making the same loving decision to place your baby for adoption. 

Taking Care of Yourself during the Adoption Process

You already made the brave decision to place your first child for adoption. You are caring and courageous. Now that you’ve found out you’re pregnant again, you may be stressed, confused, conflicted or unsure about what to do next. As you go through the adoption process again, remind yourself that you possess an incredible amount of strength and love. We are here to help you cope and feel confident as you choose what’s best for you and your baby. 

Your mental health is important as you go through pregnancy and adoption, so emotional support is a top priority. Our agency offers counseling, both during the adoption process and post placement. You can talk with a counselor, who will listen to what’s on your mind and provide judgement-free guidance. 

Another option is a support group. We can help you connect with a group of birth mothers who have gone through the adoption process or who are in the middle of placing their baby for adoption. In a birth mother support group, you can share as much (or as little) as you want. You can ask questions. You can share your feelings, frustrations and fears. Or you can simply listen to other birth mothers’ stories. 

You do not have to face a second unplanned pregnancy alone. Do not be afraid to reach out for help or support. 

You Can Place a Second Baby for Adoption 

If you’re unexpectedly pregnant again and considering your options, you can absolutely place a second baby for adoption with the same agency! At Adoption Choices of Missouri, we do not judge birth mothers for any reason. If you’ve placed with us before, we are happy to work with you again. We will be a trusted resource for you as you go through the adoption process.  

Adoption Choices of Missouri serves birth parents statewide and beyond, please call us or text us to learn more! Call us toll free at 877-903-4488 or, in Missouri call or text us at 1-816-527-9800

Meet the AuthorZoë Bowlus, a writing and editing enthusiast, considers herself a grammar groupie and suffers from a weakness for wordplay and working with words, whether she is reading, furiously typing away, playing Words with Friends, or filling in the Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle.  

She was adopted from Vietnam as a baby and began exploring her adoptee identity in Asian American Studies and Communication courses at UC Santa Barbara. As she combed through adoption literature for her last essay of college (she graduated with highest honors in 2020), she was inspired to use the research, editing, and writing skills she developed in college and her personal experience to create resources and share stories about adoption in a professional context. Writing for Adoption Choices, Zoë hopes to support people on their adoption journeys and to grow as an adoptee herself. 

Zoë is an aspiring cat lady who is allergic to cats. She enjoys curling up with homemade hot chocolate, kettle corn, and a good book but laments the absence of a feline reading companion. Her bedside table and bookshelves are overflowing with World War II historical fiction, Asian American and Mexico-U.S. borderlands fiction, contemporary fiction, grammar and style books, and collections of profiles. She spends an inordinate amount of time playing bridge.  

An avid NBA fan, Zoë lives in Sacramento, the primary reason anyone would root for the Kings. She holds out hope that they will make it to the playoffs during her lifetime. 

Birth Mother Blog

The Top 8 Common Questions that Birth Mothers have about Adoption

The Top 8 Common Questions that Birth Mothers have about Adoption

As an expectant woman facing an unplanned pregnancy in Missouri, you might be facing an uncertain future with your baby and be scared or apprehensive about the whole situation, which is normal. You might not know where to go or even have questions about your next steps and whether or not adoption is the right fit or choice for you. 

Adoption Choices of Missouri is ready to step with you in this uncertain future, and we have put together a list of questions of some common questions that birth mothers have about adoption:

  1. Why should I choose adoption?

Having an unplanned pregnancy is scary, and, at this moment, you are probably faced with a lot of different choices to make. Adoption itself is a healthy alternative to other options that are out there, because it is important for you to want the best life possible for your child. 

Choosing adoption gives you lifelong joy in seeing your child grow up in a loving household. It also lifts any burdens from your shoulders that you might have of your child growing up in a different environment than you did.

  1. Is there anyone who can help me understand my decision and correctly deal with my child’s loss?

Adoption is never an easy choice in the first place. It can be hard and difficult, but we are here for you and will provide you with counseling and support if needed. You will have an adoption specialist who will be available to you at all times. 

It is important to surround yourself with a support system outside of Adoption Choices of Missouri. This can include your family, your partner or spouse or anyone else that you consider to be trustworthy enough to support you during this time. 

  1. Do I have the right to choose the adoptive family?

You definitely have the right to choose the family who will adopt your baby. In fact, it is encouraged or required that prospective adoptive parents create a scrapbook full of information about their lives, which contains pictures and stories. This will give you a glimpse of who they are and what kind of life they could provide for your baby. 

Often, prospective adoptive parents will also include a special section dedicated to the birth mother, explaining why they are a good candidate and sharing additional information about their lives, such as their likes, dislikes and more. 

  1. How do I know that my child will be raised in a safe environment if I choose adoption?

It is good to be concerned about the well being of your child even after adoption. At Adoption Choices of Missouri, the prospective adoptive parents go through a large amount of background checks. They are interviewed by social workers and are carefully screened. 

It is always a possibility that the prospective adoptive parents can’t have any children, even if they want children. So, adoption is always an opportunity for them to show your child all the love that he or she deserves. Children are always a blessing — your child included.

  1. Will the adoption agency be able to help me with my financial needs? 

Adoption Choices of Missouri will help you find the assistance you need to pay all the medical bills. First, if there are any medical bills that are not provided by your medical insurance or the state funds, the adoptive family will take care of that. Second, we will help you with living expenses. We understand how difficult it is to return to work after giving birth. Third, your caseworker will help you find transportation to your doctor appointments and get your prescriptions. If there is anything else that you need help with (i.e. getting groceries), your caseworker will be more than happy to work with you on that. 

  1. Can I still see my baby even after the adoption is over?

This greatly depends on what kind of adoption plan you chose. For instance, if you choose to do an open adoption, you will have the opportunity to maintain contact with the adoptive family and your child. This could include virtual communication, phone calls or in person visits.

Be sure to discuss this with your caseworker and the adoptive parents prior to your baby’s birth, so that you will know what to expect after the adoption has finalized. The adoption process, overall, is a very emotional and complex one; but, it’s better to have a plan in place early on before everything is heightened during the birth and delivery process.

  1. Will my child resent or hate me for choosing adoption?

This is a very valid and common concern birth mothers have when placing their baby for adoption. So, it’s very natural and there’s no shame or guilt in wanting to ask it. If you need help processing the emotions associated with this worry, our adoption counselors can offer you a confidential, safe and non judgemental environment to do so.

Back in the 1980’s, there are stories of adoptees who were not told of their adoptions properly and struggled with self-esteem and identity issues as they grew up. However, in the last three decades, more and more former adoptees have opened up about their adoptions and have expressed gratefulness to their birth parents for doing the right thing. In addition, our agency encourages open adoption, as it allows your child to learn right way about you and where they came from, eliminating the questions and struggles as they develop.

  1. What if my friends and family don’t understand why I’m giving up my baby for adoption?

If none of your friends or family understand why you’re choosing to place your baby for adoption, you could give them a brief explanation of your reasons. That you feel this is the best decision for both of you. Unfortunately, there’s a social stigma surrounding adoption and birth mothers “giving up” their babies. People seem threatened by what they don’t understand. But, thanks to changes the adoption industry has made, it’s become more common and less stigmatized. 

Your child’s adoption can also serve as an opportunity for your friends and family to learn about how adoption works. Your caseworker can talk with your family and friends and help them understand what is going on. 

Navigating the Common Questions that Birth Mothers have about Adoption

As a birth mother, the future can seem uncertain and terrifying, but Adoption Choices in Missouri is here to help you answer any questions that you might have. Whether it has to do with financial assistance or other concerns, please feel free to come to us for help. We understand how hard it is for you to feel alone during this time and want to help you navigate through these troubled waters.  

Adoption Choices of Missouri serves birth parents statewide and beyond, please call us or text us to learn more! Call us toll free at 877-903-4488 or, in Missouri call or text us at 1-816-527-9800

Meet the AuthorSofia Becker is currently a student at Liberty University and is majoring in a Bachelor of Science in History with a double minor in Biblical Studies and writing. She is currently working on a Robin Hood retelling and an entire epic fantasy world in the making. In her spare time, she loves watching The Office and Disney movies.

Through her blogs, and her passion for helping and encouraging others, she hopes to make a difference in someone’s life. She also looks forward to becoming a better writer and editor. To learn more about Sofia, be sure to check out her blog and Instagram.

Birth Mother Blog

Counseling & Support Resources for Birth Mothers experiencing an Unplanned Pregnancy

Counseling & Support Resources for Birth Mothers experiencing an Unplanned Pregnancy

An unplanned pregnancy can be an overwhelming realization. Especially if you are not in a position to give your child the life you know that he or she deserves. Maybe you’ve thought about having a family one day, but the timing is’t right. Perhaps you are at a good point in your career, or are already parenting children, and cannot expand your family at the moment. Or, maybe you’re in the midst of graduating from high school or college.

Whatever circumstance you find yourself in, discovering that you are pregnant comes with many different emotions. This can cause you a great deal of stress and anxiety. But, don’t worry! You are in good hands. Adoption Choices of Missouri is here to help. You do not have to travel this decision alone. We have counseling and support resources for birth mothers experiencing an Unplanned Pregnancy available to you.

Confidential Counseling Services for Adoption

At our agency, we offer all of our birth mothers counseling sessions that are at no cost to you. You will have the opportunity to meet with one of our licensed adoption counselors where you can healthfully process through your emotions and discuss your options. Everything you say in these sessions are kept confidential and nonjudgmental. It is a safe place for you to voice what you are thinking and feeling, and for you to get any and all questions answered and concerns addressed.

If you decide to place your baby for adoption, the counselor will help arrange a meeting with a caseworker, who will then walk you through the process. From beginning to end, our agency will welcome you with open arms, treat you with the respect you deserve and support you every step of the way.

Financial Assistance for Adoption

Placing your baby for adoption does not cost you anything. However, if you are in need of financial assistance, your caseworker will work with you to see what you are eligible for. Adoption Choices of Missouri can provide assistance in the following areas:

  • Rent
  • Utilities
  • Food
  • Transportation
  • Maternity Clothing
  • Phone service
  • Groceries
Support Groups for Adoption

One of the other counseling and support resources for birth mothers is getting involved with a support group. Be sure to research what options are available in your local area. Finding a group where birth mothers meet can offer you additional support. To be among a group of women who have placed, are in the process or are considering it can give you a great sense of encouragement and comfort. 

If you are unable to find a support group in your area, you can also look online through social media and other outlets such as Facebook and MeetUp. Other options include: Birth Mother Assistance and Brave Love.  

Counseling and Support Resources for Birth Mothers

Having a strong support system and counseling resources available to you while you are going through an unplanned pregnancy is vital. Even if you choose to place your baby for adoption, the emotions and decisions you will have to face shouldn’t be gone through alone. 

Our adoption counselors will answer all your questions, address your concerns and help reassure you that any decision you make will be fully supported. Your health and safety — and that of your baby’s — is our top priority. You will never be alone.

Adoption Choices of Missouri serves birth parents statewide and beyond, please call us or text us to learn more! Call us toll free at 877-903-4488 or, in Missouri call or text us at 1-816-527-9800

Meet the Author: Samara Wiley is a published author of poetry, essays, and an environmental children’s storybook called, Waiting for the Water Fairy. She graduated from Benedictine University in 2018 with a double Bachelor of Arts in English Literature and French.She has been published in three small poetry anthologies one was called Talented.

Her other writing accomplishments include: winning a high school poetry competition and $2500 for her high school, having two out of her five novels be considered for publication and writing movie critic reviews for her university’s newsletter. 

Although she has Cerebral Palsy and has had a turbulent childhood, Samara puts these small specs of herself into her writing to personally connect with her audience. She prides herself on pushing the boundaries in her writing and in her personal life with everything she does. Samara writes with her heart and a voice of compassion, and loves to pull from her top passions in life.

She currently lives in Yorkville, Illinois with her mom and two sisters.

Posts navigation