8 Questions to Never Ask Birth Mothers Before or After Adoption
Being a birth mother can be a hard but rewarding decision that will change your life forever. Choosing adoption will give your child the life he or she deserves. Through adoption, there will always be questions you will have to answer, whether from friends and family, the adoptive parents, or — eventually — your child.
At the same time, though, there are questions that you should never be asked, and that you should never feel obligated to answer. Adoption Choices of Missouri has compiled a list of the top eight questions to never ask birth mothers before and after adoption through answers we’ve received from birth mothers themselves.
- Why didn’t you keep your baby?
Giving your baby up for adoption is a difficult life-changing decision that is not decided lightly. As a young birth mother, my circumstances did not allow me to be able to care for my child financially, so I made the selfless decision to choose adoption. This decision was hard but the right choice to give my child a better life.
- How did the birth father react to adoption?
He said any decision that I made he would go along with. Although he didn’t fully agree with my decision, he stood by it as we had been in a short term relationship and this was an unplanned pregnancy. It was not the right time in our lives to be parents. We choose the option of an open adoption to
However, your child’s birth father may be different. He may be just as emotionally invested as you and help support in the adoption process. Or, he could be the exact opposite. Maybe he’s not even in the picture. All birth fathers are unique and will react differently.
- Do you regret giving your baby up for adoption?
Absolutely not! Adoption may come with feelings of grief, but the selfless decision that you have made as a birth mother to give your child a better life will provide you some comfort in your decision. Placing my baby up for adoption through the guidance and understanding of Adoption Choices of Missouri was both comforting and encouraging. They provided me with a Birth Parent Counselor who assisted me in every part of the adoption process. From helping me create my adoption plan to choosing my child’s adoptive family to the birth of my child.
Because of my circumstances, the adoption agency was able to help me with financial assistance to cover my medical bills, housing costs, and other court-approved birth mother expenses. Having my caseworker and the other staff by my side every step of the way was a game changer.
- Are you afraid your child will resent you?
No! Because I have an open adoption agreement with my child’s adoptive parents, I know that they have a plan to tell him or her about me and how they came to be part of the adoptive parents’ family. My child will understand how much I loved them, and how difficult it was for me to make the decision I did. Someday, I will get to share my side of the story with them as well.
So, no, I’m not afraid my child will resent me. They may need time to process, and that’s ok. But, through open adoption, I will get to share precious moments in my child’s life — birthdays and holidays — that will allow them to see how much I love them, and that they have two sets of parents who cherish them. It will help them understand and feel less abandoned.
- Does your family support your decision?
Yes. Although they didn’t fully understand, my family supported my decision to place my baby up for adoption.
Having family support is important when you choose to move forward with adoption. It’s very affirming and comforting knowing that you have a strong support system to get you through both the good times and bad. If you do not have the support of your family and friends, all hope is not lost. The adoption professionals at Adoption Choices of Missouri will take this role and support you however they can. By choosing adoption, you will receive the respect, compassion and understanding that you and your baby deserve. You will never feel overwhelmed or alone with having the constant support with their team and available resources.
- Why choose adoption if you have other children?
Choosing adoption when you have other children is not an easy decision. In some ways, it makes you feel like you failed as a parent — whether that be due to your circumstances or something else. With me, it was trying to raise a third child as a single parent, at 27 years of age. That, and being in a new relationship, I did not feel emotionally, mentally, physically or financially able to provide my child with the love, care and support I knew they deserved.
I wanted them to have the best life possible, even if that meant that wasn’t with me. So, I searched for local adoption centers near me and Adoption Choices of Missouri showed up. After speaking with them on the phone and discussing my options, I was impressed with the quality of care they provided and knew my child would be in good hands.
- Do you want a relationship with your child?
Yes, of course! Gaining a long-lasting relationship with my child will welcome openness and understanding for both of us. I look forward to watching them grow and getting to know them. My goal is to show them how loved and cherished they are, and that I’m here for them as much as they want me to be.
- Do people in your life know you gave your baby up for adoption?
Some members of my immediate family know, and my close friend. I have decided not to tell extended family members or other friends for the time being, as this decision is very personal. At this point in my life, I am not mentally ready for the questions. Maybe this will change, but that’s not something I’m thinking about right now. The trusted and selected few who know are my support system, and that’s perfect for me right now.
Questions to Never Ask Birth Mothers
If you, as a birth mother, are ever presented with the above questions — or ones similar — know that you have the right to tell whoever is asking that you are uncomfortable answering or that it’s none of their business. Especially if it’s someone you don’t know. Oftentimes, these types of questions come from a place of best intentions, but the wording comes out wrong.
But the bottom line remains the same. Your decision to place your baby for adoption is entirely yours, and you only have to reveal as much information as you choose. No one can make you do anything different, and you shouldn’t feel like you have to answer every question that’s asked of you.
Meet the Author: Samara Wiley is a published author of poetry, essays, and an environmental children’s storybook called, Waiting for the Water Fairy. She graduated from Benedictine University in 2018 with a double Bachelor of Arts in English Literature and French.She has been published in three small poetry anthologies one was called Talented.
Her other writing accomplishments include: winning a high school poetry competition and $2500 for her high school, having two out of her five novels be considered for publication and writing movie critic reviews for her university’s newsletter.
Although she has Cerebral Palsy and has had a turbulent childhood, Samara puts these small specs of herself into her writing to personally connect with her audience. She prides herself on pushing the boundaries in her writing and in her personal life with everything she does. Samara writes with her heart and a voice of compassion, and loves to pull from her top passions in life.
She currently lives in Yorkville, Illinois with her mom and two sisters.